Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
