how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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