Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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