I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize