Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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