The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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