so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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