How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
