oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
