I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
