I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
