I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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