he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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