I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
