If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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