You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
