I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
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I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson