My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
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i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
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dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.