I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.