2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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