I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
