oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
