I forgot how hot balto sounded
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
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You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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