8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!