Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
