are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
