Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
