There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
