so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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