Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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