I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
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I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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