So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
