my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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