There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
