Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
