I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
