Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
