I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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