A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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