I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
