i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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