I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
