you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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