I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
