I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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