her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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