is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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