Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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