drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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