I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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