being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
