So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
