Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
