Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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